I’m so ugly

Today I was sitting alone and someone I barely know sat with me to talk. I was late for class but it didn’t matter bc someone talked with me and asked me things. It was for 10 mins, but I really felt better during that time, I felt genuinely distracted from my head. He even made me smile. That’s today’s happy moment I am choosing to focus on over all the shit ones. Xo

Duh, but not by request haha sorry dood

Hi. I’m a human tryna do the best I can at being a good human. But, loneliness keeps distracting me from my purpose over the past 8 months or so. I want to share my life fully with people, and for them to share the same with me. Or one person. that would be a wonderful relief from the isolation i feel as I go through life, most of it a secret. Most of it no one will no. I mean my life. A handful of people will hold a handful of memories, but that’s it. My friends are scattered, and I have few close ones that know about my life in detail. My memories are as vivid as the day they were created and so plentiful I could spend the rest of my life writing about the wonders I’ve experienced in 22 years on earth.

My secrets, my ideas, my stories and the things I’ve been dying to tell people will die with me. This makes me feel very scared of dying. A feeling I’m not used to and am very much struggling to cope with.

I hope someone will want to know my life enough to listen and build new stories and ideas with me. Or that someone already in my life will take a new interest in me and maybe we can form a better connection or friendship - I think that would solve this rut I’ve been in. Just to share a bit everyday with someone and be comfortable talking with each other. One thing I’ve missed very much is having someone who can tell when ur upset. I’ve been waiting 8 months for someone to maybe notice I’m not how I was.

I literally wake up just to crawl back in bed. I wake up crying and I fall asleep crying. I cry on the bus on my way home. I have horrible nightmares and I cry in my sleep then I wake up and realize reality isn’t that swell either.

And I know why I cry. Because I want to share. It hurts so much keeping so much inside.

I feel guilty for saying these things, because i know you need to be happy on your own without other people. But, not having a person or friend to tell my weird ideas and stories too is really getting to me. Or a person to chill with when the weight of the world is especially heavy and you just need smile. I know I have become sour these past few months in little ways: my comments, my feelings towards myself, and my feelings towards humanity.. they have taken a negative form and thus I think has also made me less likable and nice to be around. So I’m having a harder time connecting with my current friends bc of this (I think). i don’t wanna push away the friends I have with my negative outlook/sadness. I know people don’t wanna b around that, especially in college.

I’ve just got a lot of questions about life that eat away at me. I try to talk to myself about them or write about it but it’s difficult to be rational with only your own point of view to count on. It’s a bit biased to only listen to yourself.
But right now that’s all I got even if I’m not getting the answers I need.

I just don’t know if it’s me or other people. That’s what mostly makes me upset. Am I blocking myself from the world or is the world blocking me out?
It doesn’t help that I feel especially out of place with my ideas and who I am
. I’m not so warmly received anymore. That’s what I’m trying to figure out. Why.

Anyways, I haven’t given up hope, still waiting on something or someone to make me feel significant in a small way. I just need a little push. A little help. And then I can be good again.

I love you. Goodnight,

-R

I really really really really love you

Every morning I open my eyes hoping for a new day
But it hasn’t come for a long time
So I just stay in bed until I fall asleep again

I just wanna share moments with someone. How else am I supposed to know if it’s real, this whole life thing.